Seven Weddings and Four Funerals

aka

The Husbands of Gail 

The first to request Gail’s hand in marriage,

Was beefcake Brian who worked in the garage,

Did she? Didn’t she?  Twice she did!

They tied the knot and raised two kids,

Got divorced then had a second try,

All was well and then Brian died.

Divorced, died, divorced, died,

Died, died, survived.

Now Gail’s a mum and husband-free,

Here’s young Martin Platt and proposal number 3,

Would, she?  Wouldn’t she?  Of course she would!

He’d take on her kids, that was understood,

So Gail shrieked ‘Yes!’ to her toy boy lover,

Two kids already and they soon had another,

But Gail realised that the marriage was cursed,

When Martin retrained and became a hot nurse,

And a few years after they’d gone and got hitched,

Martin did the dirty and Gail was ditched.

Divorced, died, divorced, died,

Died, died, survived. 

Richard Hillman, financial adviser,

Bought Gail a ring in order to surprise her,

Will she, won’t she?  Of course she will!

But before too long he went for the kill,

Dick trapped Gail with her son and daughter,

And drove the whole family into the water,

The plan went awry and all were found,

Apart from Richard who sadly drowned.

Divorced, died, divorced, died,

Died, died, survived.

Gail’s next suitor was kitchen fitter Joe,

And undeterred, she had her fifth go,

Can she, can’t she?  Of course she can!

Gail waltzed up the aisle with yet another man,

But she knew quite soon, that she’d made a mistake,

Joe was very troubled and drowned in a lake.

Divorced, died, divorced, died,

Died, died, survived.

Michael Rodwell robbed Gail’s house,

Then asked his victim to be his spouse,

Should she? Would she? Surely not?

But Gail agreed, his crimes forgot,

Surprise surprise it was doomed from the start,

And Michael dropped dead from a dickey heart.

Divorced, died, divorced, died,

Died, died, survived.

You’d think by now that Gail would dread,

The idea of once again being wed,

But Jesse Chadwick stole Gail’s heart,

Pledging love ‘til death did part,

Must she? Might she? Of course she must!

Get out the wedding gown, blow off the dust!

The seventh time she’d been a bride,

And a good 8 years since she’d last tried,

With the bistro free, Gail jumped at the chance,

And they married at Christmas and settled in France.

Divorced, died, divorced, died,

Died, died, survived.

So the bride, with her groom, has now set sail,

Will marriage number 7 succeed or fail?

Let this serve as a cautionary tale,

If you’re in the queue to marry Gail.

Divorced, died, divorced, died,

Died, died, survived.

© Sarah Ogilvie 2025